Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
