I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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