Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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