and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
