false alarm. still invincible.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Come see our sink grown plant.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
