Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
