the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Michael Bay diarrhea
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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