well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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