I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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