Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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