I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
