Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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