It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
