There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
