First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
