Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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