i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
