I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
