I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
