These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
