i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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