Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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