i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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