Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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