Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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