I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize