So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
