I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
