This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i think we sleep fucked last night...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
