Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Is Oprah even human
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
