FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
