If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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