I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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