Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
