Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
