How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
