Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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