I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
