I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
