I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize