turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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