six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
