Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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