I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
