I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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