my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
