Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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