I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
