There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
