sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
