i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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