He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
