he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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