Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
