you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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