yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
